My Hasteless Pursuit

Log in

My Hasteless Pursuit [entries|friends|calendar]
L.C. Nguyen

_ H o l d m y
h a n d i t ' s
s h a k i n ' b a d_
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[11 Nov 2009|10:18pm]
This is so painfully familiar.
They're fighting. Just fighting. Not about me, just fighting. But it makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. My stomach starts to churn and twist. Uneasy and anxious about life and truth and the concept of love. What it is to be and what it means to be. Everything chaotic and whirling out of orbit. Colliding and burning. They're fighting and nothing makes sense. Everything is breakable and frail. Tip toe. Quiet. They're fighting.
2 got on their knees to |suck me dry, bitch

Writer's Block: Play it again, Sam [11 Nov 2009|09:59pm]
If you could only listen to one CD for the rest of your life, what would you choose and why?

I'm so glad that I don't actually have to listen to only one cd for the rest of my life because listening to the same thing for like 50+ years would just ruin it for me and that would be so sad because what I'd pick would probably be one of my favorites.
Ahhhh! Can't choose, can't choose!

Random itunes shuffle pick - Axis: Bold as Love - The Jimi Hendrix Experience

awwhh Castles made of sand....not a bad choice for the hypothetical rest of my life.
suck me dry, bitch

[06 Nov 2009|09:23pm]
He doesn't want to live together. Okay that's fine. Whatever. I'm going to stop being so thoughtful because I've noticed that it doesn't matter what I do he never does sweet things in fact if anything is true its the exact opposite. He never thinks of me or how I might feel but of course he never hesitates to call me "too sensitive" I don't even know why I care so much when I really think about it. I need to figure out why I'm even in this relationship. I never get to see him I never get to talk to him. He doesn't want to live together. So I don't even know when this long distance shit will ever end and I'm so tired of it. I know that not having him at all is much more painful than missing him to death but sometimes I just want to end it bc I can't take it anymore but then I realize how stupid I'm being.I just wish he would show me that he cares more often so I feel safe and secure and calm. Now that I think about it I'm less mad about the fact that he doesn't want to live together bc I realized that he's never moved out of his parents house, I have. I feel like he should be able to experience life on his own without me tagging along. Everyone deserves to have that experience.I know that all these problems would go away if I just moved back to baytown but I can't and I won't. And if he doesn't get his life together and decide what he's gonna do and where he's gonna live well then I have no choice but to eliminate as much stress from my life as possible no matter how perfect he is because at the end of the day I won't let myself be miserable anymore. I cannot bear it.

///EDIT NOVEMBER 7, 2009 5:43 PM

Okay, I go crazy when I get upset. I become a pissy little bitch, so forgive me. It's better for the next step to be that we both move out, but seperately, I see how things could be awesome that way now. Especially when I start to think about how anal I am about my things. Of course not having him would be much much much worse than the shit that I deal with now. The stuff at the end of the entry though, is still true. I've realized that we've never really talked about what our expectations are for our relationship and what we plan to get out of it. Also, where we see this going and where we would want it to go. If things don't match up, then everything I said at the end of the entry up there still applies. I'm not going to go through all this strife and sadness for a long distance relationship that never ends the long distance part. I will not go through all this if he doesn't see us eventually living together in the distant future. I'd say once we're in our thirties, is when I would like to start to live together. I understand that things don't ever go as planned but I would like to know that he sees some kind of future, not matter how different it is from what I see, as long as there is a future with us. I really don't feel alot of anxiousness about this but I definately do not want to ask these questions over the phone or anything because it might come off as, antagonistic or like an ultimatum, which is not in the least bit what I'm trying to do. I just need some reassurance and peace of mind that all this is not for nothing. If I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, then I can go on and trudge through the darkness because of that beautiful promise. I love him so much, and I have faith that we have the same ideas in mind for the both of us. I understand that we are both so young and relatively naive about certain aspects of adulthood so I accept that we need to take things slow and not rush into things that could spoil our love. I can't wait until I see him again.

god i feel 150% better than I did yesterday. god what is wrong with me sometimes...
suck me dry, bitch

[28 Oct 2009|11:47pm]
i'm fucking sorry that on some days the only thing i look forward to is being able to hear your voice if even for a little bit. if i had it my way you would be the first thing i saw in the morning and the last before i finally drift off to sleep. i'm sorry that this distance is turning me into a crazy woman desperate for your attention but i just want to connect. laugh. joke around. make up stupid stories and situations, like we always do. my days and nights here are filled with the monotanous and mundane. i'm not happy or passionate like i was when i'm home with you. i'm a drone that works and trudges off to class just to make it through the week so i can finally make it home to you on the weekend. so i'm sorry if i can't fully explain to you why talking to you on the phone is so important to me. if i could find a way to care less about you, i would because honestly, loving you the way i do, sometimes, simply makes me miserable.
3 got on their knees to |suck me dry, bitch

[23 Oct 2009|08:40am]
i wish that he would be more thoughtful and attentive.
suck me dry, bitch

[12 Oct 2009|02:48am]
blehhhh...i hate working out. :[
suck me dry, bitch

hm interesting [21 Sep 2009|08:33pm]
Does elegance admit rivalry? Only in this case, where two different realms are involved. One partner is brilliant; the other, refined. The methodical, intellectual Virgoan may sometimes be irked by Leo's need to parade. Or, heaving a sigh, submit happily and work behind the scenes to rein in the Lion's munificence and extravagance. In exchange, the Virgo receives inalienable, intense, and generous love which is tinged with torrid eroticism. To make the pleasure last, Virgo must overcome his or her legendary anxiety and assuage the Lion's every desire.
2 got on their knees to |suck me dry, bitch

[15 Sep 2009|10:41pm]
i miss making art. I don't know why I feel like if i'm not taking classes, what i make isn't worth anything but i shouldn't. i'm sure it would make it better. I really want to take a figure drawing class. I dropped in on one of my friends and actually did really well on the model. blahhhhhhhhhh. i'm just gonna go draw or something.

oh yeah. graphic design and philosphy and maybe journalism..maybe as a minor or switch it with philosophy and make that the minor. i'm not really sure yet. I wish i had more time and money so i could lump graphic design classes with art classes and then lump my philosophy classes with journalsim classes. bleh. there's never enough time.
suck me dry, bitch

[04 Aug 2009|07:19pm]
i just want to fucking shoot myself in the head
suck me dry, bitch

[11 Jul 2009|01:00pm]
bad people deserve everything that they get. cosmic punishment isn't always obvious or blatantly evident but it happens all the time. thank goodness for variable change.

i miss omeed really badly. today is already saturday and still no sign. if he comes back on sunday i'll be so mad because i work all day tomorrow. poo poo.
suck me dry, bitch

[07 Jul 2009|04:42pm]
so i punched david in the face at the farm after 20 jello shots and six beers.
he deserved that shit, it was great. I never knew that I was violent but at least now i know that i can stand up for myself. omeed's in colorado until friday or saturday. i feel completely drained from all the alcohol i've been consuming.

i want to make music. will someone help me? all i can do is sing. i need music i need music. i can kind of make cool stuff with reason but i really want the real instrument sound. ;[ why do i have to suck so much at this stuff. ;[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[
suck me dry, bitch

[25 Jun 2009|02:33pm]
god damnit. why the fuck am I so jealous of her? Fuck. It's so juvenile.
why the fuck does it bother me so much just knowing that they talk. . .GAHHHHHH.
I need to stop because how I'm acting and feeling is on a level of stupidity that is completely unprecedented.

i don't know, i just know that i'm pretty sure she was the first and everyone knows how people always feel about their first. i just hate that so much. i shouldn't care, i'm being too immature. :[
suck me dry, bitch

[18 Jun 2009|12:26am]
yay, i'm not pregnant!

suck on it, bitch!
suck me dry, bitch

[17 Jun 2009|12:56am]
a cloud of dust and damp remorse forms just above where my roots pierce the earth.
this ground is no longer mine to walk upon.
as if possesion could be revoked with a single act of hate- or love.
-essentially of the same substance.
just morphed and molded to what is called for.
a struggle for control
a struggle for control
suck me dry, bitch

[15 Jun 2009|10:11am]
i hope that my kindness is never mistaken for spinelessness or an invitation to walk all over me like a door mat because that is a fatal mistake. I love to do things for the ones i care about but when it comes down to it, i'm not your mother so don't take advantage of me. Not insinuating that any one in my life right now would, it's just that the ones that have are always in the back of my mind.

i really hope that my appeal is not just what i am capable of doing for you.
i don't know why i think this but, you do like me for me too, don't you?
these are probably stupid questions, which is why I never ask you face to face.
I just write them in some stupid online journal that you never see.

i'm so fucking retarded.

note to self:
i just want to work on the fact that sometimes i'm just too quiet and awkward with nothing to converse about. idk sometimes i just don't want to talk.
suck me dry, bitch

[07 Jun 2009|10:26pm]
i'm so scared of leaving. i don't want to lose him. i'm scared that the distance will just be too much. i've been able to put it in the back of my mind for the past month or so but i know it's inevitable.

maybe we're stronger than that?
i really hope so.
5 got on their knees to |suck me dry, bitch

Writer's Block: Regrets Only [05 Jun 2009|02:27pm]
Do you think that animals feel regret?

No, not at all.
1 got on their knees to |suck me dry, bitch

Writer's Block: Rabbit Rabbit! [01 Jun 2009|12:17pm]
It's the first day of the month. If you could have one wish come true this month, what would it be?

that i'm not prego for my lego :/
suck me dry, bitch

[30 May 2009|07:27pm]
why would a person in a relationship be reviewing things in an application designed to help them in the dating department?
not happy, i guess?
just bored, i hope.

oh blah blah blah blah blah blahblahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
suck me dry, bitch

lo-fidelity, hi-hopes [26 May 2009|02:12pm]
so i bought this super super cheap midi-usb cable thing for a dollar from china on ebay.
Either this is going to be the best deal i've ever had or the latency on this thing is going to piss me the fuck off and i'm going to have to shell out 40 bucks for a midi-usb interface that's worth a shit.

all i want to do is play with synth emulation software for a while until i can figure out what synth i like the best to buy as hardware. i wish i could go to a store with every brand every made at my finger tips and then i could play with them and find out which one i like best.
i've been watching a bunch of demos on youtube and i found out the ones that are really cool are fucking old, rare, and expensive. wtf....

i felt funny last night.
kind of like a piece of meat.
suck me dry, bitch

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]